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Tuesday 17 January 2012

Webcam Paranoia

A recent study found 73% of men who work from home, spend 30% if their time procrastinating.
A percentage of which, always involves parooseing porn sites.

Even more interestingly, almost 80% of the men in relationships admitted they suffer from paranoia that someone, more precisely, their partner is somehow keeping an eye on them, via the webcam!

Some of the funniest things they did to avoid being seen:
* using a sock to cover the lens
* turning the light out
* usinh mayonnaise?!!

Friday 13 January 2012

Protein Poo

Anyone who attempts to gain muscle, will have probabaly decided to up their intake of Protein..
I myself have experianced the up & downsides, to this mini adventure!
Whilst ensuring you work out & replenish the protein (almost to the point of overdose), it does & is, proven to aid the gain of muscle mass..

Now before anyone clicks off this, thinking:
"Urhhg, protein... muscle mass? =snoor!"
This is just the lead up to my more interesting point, which will come shortly...as soon as i've finished, poorly attempting to keep you interested in reading this.. Which, by my constant use of words & sentences, that have no real link to the proposed story (which by the way, is loosely designed to give you a giggle)... Really isn't assisting the matter...
However, if your still reading, or have skimmed this bit....
Well done you!!
You'll enjoy my observation...
Or hate it..
Or have a mild increase in happiness, with the visual thought soon to be revealed..

BACK TO THE POINT!!
Unfortunately, this added protein, to help gain muscle mass, doesn't, in-fact help to enlarge the size of a mans Willy!
Not that I initially started a vigorous course of Protein, Amino Acids & Willy Flicks Just for that outcome...
Coz that would obviously be weird!?
(( Willy flicks, by the way... if your not familiar with the term or visual reference, are exactly what the name suggests... But to clear up any confusion ~~ it is not :
* Flicking ones Willy with ones finger.
* Flicking ones Willy with a ruler.
* Flicking people with ones Willy.
It is also not :
* Flicking someone called Willy
* Using ones Willy in flicking based board games
I certainly didn't think it was any of those, when I started out.. Which I didn't.. Coz that would be weird..!?
I definately didn't get chased by, what I will dub; "a group of where's Wally fans".. in a clear case if mistaken identity... which involved an innocent group of children, a wheres Wally book & someone (who was not me), thinking Wally wqs called Willy, finding & pointing to Wally in a flicking action with his Willy saying:
"there's Willy!" ))
As it turns out, Willy Flicks are just that amazingly intrueging trick a man can perform, only for very shorts bursts, when commanding his willy to pull up..
Thus visually, the Willy moves in a flicking action.. Which I have Judge Griffiths to thank for clearing that confusion up!!
Errr.. Because... He.. Was... On... The... Discovery Chanel... In a... Weird... But interesting episode.... Of ... The.. Human... Body???...
He definitely was not the Judge in a very odd local case, invilving 'Wheres Wally fans' which apparently wasn't his first experience of such a case!?
However, after months..
Well actually.. Years..
Of Trying this Willy Flicking..
Turns out,
It does absolutely fuck all to the size of your Willy!!
However, what you do find from the intake of Protein is, it seems to increase the size of your Poo!!
Which, is aptly dubbed:
'Protein Shit'
I can only describe the sheer size, weight & dynamic of this phenomenon as one huge, ugly poo, which litrally comes out lifting it's own mini poo weights as it exits..
I could imagine if you saw this exit a human body, it'd be like much like those expanding foam sprays, it actually is still gaining mass as it hit the basin!!
In some cases, it's been know to lift a grown man of the toilet!! Likes it's bench pressing him, in some protein/testosterone fuelled frenzy!!

Thursday 12 January 2012

People Person....

I think like most people.... I like to believe I'm a 'people person'...
Strange thing is ~~ do we all just believe our own hype?
Anyone who's written their CV, has had to try & explain what a fantastic human-being they are...
Funnily enough, we all tend to use the same four or five words....
We'd like to put more down ~~
try and cover absolutely every angle & possible want from the prospecting employer..
But as we learn from the first few attempts, what the School taught you about writing a CV was bollocks!
After the first five descriptive words, it starts to read like a shopping list!

And let's face it... if you write like me & keep changing the use of: 'and' / '&'.
Any employer with a B in English will begin to get really annoyed!!
Why do we even have the symbol & (AKA 'ampersand')?
Why isn't their other symbols... for words like 'it'??
What? Because, there is one more character in the word 'and' ~~ someone felt the need to reduce it down to a single character symbol!?
Was this person able to foresee the future? Did they know of the impending confinement of Twitter & Text!?

Getting back to my point.. We all like to believe we are a 'people person'... Some even do write it on their CV!
Is it really that necessary? Do we all actually expect the person reading it would think we're a sad recluse, because we do not state otherwise!!
That's just ridiculous!  Chances are, they won't even bother to read it!!

But, still, after affirming to ourselves, over years & years of our youth & self-development, that we are, confident, we are outgoing, fun, bubbly, enjoy being around people & can get along with anyone.....
I bet... like me... when you venture out into the big bad world....
More specifically... you venture out during the day... a Saturday... Into the Town centre...
By god/allah/cow (who-ever/whatever fits your faith, I don't judge.. just mock!!)

I bet.. like me.. Especially on a busy Saturday... You fucking LOATH people!!

It's a peculiar double-standard though isn't it...
I can only parallel the psychological feeling, to that of when we are behind the wheel of a motor vehicle...
Suddenly, you're not a people person, any-more than you're a child rapist!!
And with that statement, I think it's only fair to say; that for a small minority (as far as we are aware),
they thoroughly enjoy the busy environment.. They become a people person!
Admittedly, most usually... They become a 'little people person'!!
The busy streets, a perfect playground for their 'lolly pop' cliché... 'stranger danger' ways!!

HAHA.. I'm just quietly admiring the idea of how a paedophiles CV reads!!
Hobbies:
Charity Lolly Pop Events.. Hanging around the outside of Tesco.. Children's entertainer..
Personal Traits:
Persuasive, Understanding, Generous, Well Groomed, Careful....
((See... now.. any more words & it just doesn't work!))
 Achievements:
Internet.. Playgrounds.. Jonny, Luke & Stacey......

P.S: In no way am I saying Tesco is a paedophiles playground..
If anything, Early Learning is much better!